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What about us?

I apologise for writing another entry sooner. It has been rather chaotic to say the least; especially in the last six weeks. One more day to go and then I’ll be on a break. Well, by the time this entry is posted. It will be Friday evening and no school / work for a week. I can’t wait and I guess neither can any other teacher. They’d be lying if they said they weren’t. Saying that, either this coming week will go really quickly or really slowly. Either works for me, to be honest I’m not fussed.

The lyrics for this entry are from Pink’s song – What about us?

We are searchlights, we can see in the dark,

We are rockets, pointed up at the stars,

We are billions of beautiful hearts,

And you sold us down the river too far,

What about us?
What about all the times you said you had the answers?
What about us?
What about all the broken happy ever afters?
What about us?
What about all the plans that ended in disaster?
What about love? What about trust?
What about us?

I agree with the sentiments of the lyrics – what about us?

This entry is still one of the few left from the summer holidays. (We’ve moved on seven weeks since then.) I was looking after my nephew and it was the day I was supposed to go and meet a guy I had met online. I cancelled! And before you say anything – I cancelled with Alex because I wasn’t dressed (my nephew and I were at my sisters in London) and I hadn’t brought a change of clothes. Plus I was heading into Central London. As it was the first date I wanted to make a good impression. Don’t we all?

Anyway at lunch time I text Alex to rearrange and he was cool. We moved it to another night in the week. (That’s another story to tell)

Whilst I was at my sisters, Ben text and asked if I was free. Normally I would have said no but as I had cancelled my date, I said yes. I met Ben for about six along with his dad whom started a conversation with me. We were discussing and admiring my new car. During this time Ben had left us to get his wallet. Did I stop the conversation with his dad to acknowledge him. No because that would have been rude. So his dad and I carried on until Ben got into the front seat of my car. It was only then his dad decided to leave us to it. I don’t think Ben was expecting his dad and I to get along as we did. But we did and I think it surprised Ben.

Saying that, I speak to his parents quite easily when there has been an opportunity. Not many but there have been a few. Saying bye Ben and I left to go to the local pub.

On the way over Ben said his friend Will was going to stop by, and asked if that was ok? I know I looked puzzled. Why would I mind if his friend stopped by? We weren’t on a date – as far as I know we weren’t? Ben knows how easy-going I am (and get your minds out of the gutter) and how I’m not fussed about a lot of things. I guess things would be different if we were dating. But as this was not a date (as far as I could tell) Will coming would not be a problem.

Ben and I got their first and we sat in a booth. His ulterior motive was to use my laptop and the free wifi in the pub we were at. I did sit next to next to him for no other reason than to help him use my laptop. So we were sitting closer than usual. To be honest, I was a little shocked as he seemed to making the moves towards something. What, I don’t know. We spent the time joking, searching the internet and just catching up.

Throughout the evening, I did text two friends asking whether or not I should tell him about the two up coming dates I had. One said I should and my other friend said no; only if it comes up. I decided to play it by ear. Will came along and as I had met him before we were chatting about work and how he was looking forward to working with Ben in September.

At some point in the evening Ben I were chatting and as I said earlier, he was closer to me before. Remember I am the touchy feely one. But that evening it was Ben. In fact he was a different person. He was flirty and his whole demeanour was just different. (I can’t find other suitable words – so I apologise.) At one point in the evening Ben said “I love you.” Any other time I would have had a come back but as I am so unsure of what and how our relationship is. I just laughed it off and said yeah, yeah and carried with whatever Ben had asked me to do. Will who had heard the exchange looked confused and just stared at the two of us; before getting up to get some drinks.

I don’t know what Ben wanted me to say or did he want me acknowledge what he had said. I personally would have felt a little uncomfortable with either to be quite honest as currently I have no idea where our relationship stands. (Even now)

Through out the rest of the evening there was playful banter between Ben and I. Seeing this, Will decided to make his escape and high-tailed it out of there. Ben and I stayed for a little longer and then after went for a drive.

Isn’t that what couples do? Ideas / comments on a postcard. 🙂

I’ll leave it there. Until the next time…

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Half a Sixpence

The song lyrics I’ve chosen for this entry are taken from the musical – Half a Sixpence and the song is called – ‘In the middle there’s me.’ It doesn’t necessarily go with the entry but a few entries coming along suit the lyrics. (Of course it’s written from a mans point of view but you will get the idea, I’m sure.)

How do you know when you find you’ve got two
Which one of the two is the one.
I’m at sixes and sevens, all fingers and thumbs.
The mental arithmetic isn’t much fun.
It’s a mess, I confess.
Me head and my heart won’t agree.
On the one hand there’s her,
On the other there’s her.
And then in the middle there’s me.

How do you choose between this one and that?
There has to be some kind of rule.
To see both of them happy: that’s what I want most.
I feel like a gooseberry but I’m just a fool.
I’m a chump. I should plump
For the one who is my cup of tea.
On the one hand there’s her,
On the other there’s her.
And then in the middle there’s me.

Can it be as hard as he supposes?
Seems good fortune just falls into his lap.
And yet look at him, the thorn between two roses.
I’ve never seen a more unhappy chap.

Well the holidays eventually came to an end. Unfortunate some might say. Most teachers will agree on the matter that you do actually need the six weeks in the summer, just to recuperate. I, however, went back before my friends. So my summer holidays came to an almost abrupt end as I went back on the Friday to a teachers training day. For those that don’t work in a school or aren’t aware of what goes on in a school; let me enlighten you. A teacher training day or INSET is where us teachers learn about the new initiatives that the Government have brought out, health and safety, the expectations of the new year and after all that we might get a moment in our classrooms to get ready for the children. More and more it seems that we do that in our own time rather than on a training day. Who am I to make these decisions?

Anyway moving on.

After seeing The Hitman’s Bodyguard on the Friday, I was off to see Half a Sixpence on the Saturday. Now for those that know me; I love musicals and not just because Ben does. I have always been an avid fan. It is just one of the things Ben and I have in common. In actual fact it might be the only thing. Hold that thought – another thing Ben and I enjoy together are movies. So that’s two things. I’m clearly onto something. I think. Well, the phrase does state – ‘Opposites Attract’. I think Ben and I compliment each other more than anything else. That’s just my take on our relationship. If you would like to call it that.

In-case you’re wondering Ben didn’t come with me to see the musical. I’d gone with another friend – Ava – who was up for a day out in London. Ava and I had a great day out in London and we even got the chance to meet the lead of the musical – Charlie Stemp. He was amazing as the lead and I can’t praise him enough. Charlie has a great talent for someone so young both with his singing and dancing. I have to say I was a little star struck and I did ask for my photo with him as well as his autograph. Once I had achieved this, Ava and I headed home.

I text Ben to let him know that I had bumped into Charlie and sent him the photo. I was aware that Ben knew Charlie. Both coming from the same background. And although Ben wasn’t really working in that industry any more he had friends who still did. Plus I had seen a photo of Ben with Charlie. A photo Ben was quite proud of. Small things in life make our day seem like the best thing ever.

The Hitman’s Bodyguard

Sorry no song lyrics for this entry. I am usually very good at acquiring them but as this was again about the movies; I couldn’t find any that fit. If you are reading this and have lyrics that you know will fit the entry, then feel free to comment and I’ll edit the post.

What can I say? It was another trip to cinema, on a Friday none-the-less. Is it considered a date on a Friday night? I have to say, it wasn’t me who initiated the night out. In fact I think I’m engaging less and less with Ben in the sense of trying to meet up with him. I’m an adult and he’s an adult (well his age would indicate this). If he wants my company, Ben knows where to find me.

In case you’re wondering, I did pick him up from his house. Is it a habit? Yes, you could say it was. Sometimes it is just easier for me to pick him up and go to our selected destination together. If I didn’t, I would be waiting at where ever we agreed to meet for hours. Ben is always late no matter how hard he tries. His mum always has something to say on the matter. It makes me laugh as it reminds me no-matter how old you are, your parents (whether it be your mum or dad) still tell you off for everything little thing as if you were still five years old. To be honest, I think it’s a good thing. It’s what makes us human and reminds us of the things we call trivial on a day-to-day basis. Your parents are still your parents.

Moving on with that night.

As usual I collected Ben from his house. Where he came out looking rather sluggish and I assumed or rather guessed he was tired, knowing he’d had a busy last couple of days. Before your thoughts go straight to the gutter, he had been meeting friends and sorting out things in London. So I know he’d been in London as he had text me informing me about the days before our so-called ‘date’ on a Friday night.

Usually he was full of conversation. But that evening words eluded him. Ben’s face was clouded over with tiredness (I guess) and was missing his usual spark. I had a feeling there was something more but I could have been wrong. May be I was mis-reading signals. We are all great at that now, aren’t we? I mean how many times have Ben and I mis-read the signals? Too many to count. For the first time, Ben struggled with conversation in the car on the way to the cinema. I did ask him before we left, if he was sure he wanted to go; he said yes, he was fine. How else was I to interpret that? I did double-check with him before we left his house.

Parking the car in the cinema car park, we headed to the venue. I have always felt that Ben and I are equal; in the sense that we compliment each other. I know that sounds really hard to explain. But I will give it a go. Ben and I are different yet some how alike. Sounds strange, I know. For example; he into drama and is very musical where as I on the other hand am very much a tom-boy and into sports. Our musical tastes are very different too. I’m not saying that we can’t be different, going back to my original point is that we are complimentary of each other which makes us equal. In order for us to work we need the balance.

But I wasn’t getting that from him on that night.

At the cinema we ended up going to watch the movie ‘The Hitman’s Bodyguard’. Again it was a laugh out loud movie. But Ben didn’t watch half of it; he was busy sorting out his work life (paperwork). Not that I minded as he seemed pre-occupied and watching Ryan Reynolds. Well who can say no to him. There was plenty of eye candy for me. However, I on the other hand was a little perturbed about Ben. I had never seen him like this. He was quiet through the film which was unlike him and there were many firsts for us that evening.

And may be for the first time in forever (yes, it reads like a line from the song ‘For the first time in forever’ from Frozen) it was as if Ben was pulling away from me.

Who knows? May be I’ll never get into his mind. To be honest, I don’t think I would ever like to investigate his thoughts and feelings. Some of which I have deciphered but some of the thoughts, I have left well alone. At times it does feel as if I am playing a game (a computer game to precise e.g. Pac-man, Sonic, Mario) where I just can’t seem to get out or I end up back at the same place, no matter what I’ve done.

I’ll leave you digest what happened in this entry and when you read the next one you’ll be even more confused. I know for a fact that I certainly am.

The Emerald Isle

Lyrics taken from ‘Paint The Town Green’ by The Script. I thought the song fit.

I know you’re missing home
It’s been so long since you’ve been
And that life you had in Dublin
Now ain’t nothing but a dream
To be right there in the moment
You’d give anything to be

It’s alright
‘Cause tonight
We’re gonna paint the town green

Your friends are on the phone there
It’s so close to Paddy’s Day
And it kills you not to be there
But life got in the way
If I had to break the bank
Spend every penny on your dreams

It’s alright
‘Cause tonight
We’re gonna paint the town green

Just like home
Let’s color the streets like our own
Let’s make this place feel like our own
It’s just you and me

It’s alright
‘Cause tonight
We’re gonna paint the town green

And we travel on the subway
Like it was the Luas line
Chase the Hudson to the Liffey
Where we kissed for the first time
Turn the city into Dublin
Yeah, wherever we may be

It’s alright
‘Cause tonight
We’re gonna paint the town green

Just like home
Let’s color the streets like our own
Let’s make this place feel like our own
It’s just you and me,

The next time Ben called or text me was when I was away. To be honest it wasn’t anywhere far, Dublin – Ireland to precise, but away none the less. It was for a family event and even though it’s not far; in all my years I still had not managed to get there. Considering it is only an hour plane ride even though they say it is a bit longer. But I was finally on the emerald isle.

Ben called but hung up before I got to my phone, so I called him back. Before he had a chance to say a word, I reminded him I was away. He apologised. I told him not to worry and that I’d be back in  few days and then I told him, I would speak to him later. Later, as in when I get back home, not that evening. If truth be told, that conversation was a little unusual. Why did he ring me? He knew I was away. Who knows? I certainly won’t be asking him. Somethings are better left unsaid.

A lovely couple of days were spent exploring Ireland and yes I did make it to Dublin on Saturday. It was there I saw an advert for Grease. I wondered if our mutual friend Ethan was still working on the tour. So I text Ben to ask if he was and if he had Ethan’s number. This was so that I could meet up with him before he headed to his next destination.

However, it wasn’t meant to be. Ben didn’t part with the much-needed information. Well, I was being a good friend. In fact it wasn’t until the Sunday that he rang me. Ben that is. Once again I missed his call as this time my phone was on silent. Excusing myself from the group (my cousins, aunty, uncle, parents and other family members ) I headed to the much quieter part of the hotel lounge.

Ben and I discussed, Ethan and I explained why I had wanted his number. We also talked about a few other things such as; when we were going to catch up, work and even football. The football season had started on the Friday. My team had played on the Friday and thankfully won. Just about won – I hastened to add. Ben and I also chatted about meeting up later that week. He filled me in of when he was busy and I did the same and we came up with an arrangement of going to the cinema on Friday evening.

Hanging up, I went and re-joined my family. But why was I feeling a little deflated? We rarely spoke on the phone so why did this feel a little more? What were we trying to achieve? Why did it feel that our friendship was changing more than I was ready for? I just didn’t understand. Am I the only girl / woman on the planet that can’t work it out?

Heading out with my family, I left all my thoughts about Ben behind. I would deal with when I got back home. Or at least try to sort through what I was feeling. I was more mixed up than ever.

Summer Holidays Part 1

I’ll think you’ll find it’s a great song choice.

Summer Holidays by Cliff Richard

We’re all going on a summer holiday
No more working for a week or two.
Fun and laughter on our summer holiday,
No more worries for me or you,
For a week or two.

We’re going where the sun shines brightly
We’re going where the sea is blue.
We’ve all seen it on the movies,
Now let’s see if it’s true.

Everybody has a summer holiday
Doing things they always wanted to
So we’re going on a summer holiday,
To make our dreams come true
For me and you.

We’re going where the sun shines brightly
We’re going where the sea is blue.
We’ve all seen it on the movies,
Now let’s see if it’s true.

Everybody has a summer holiday
Doing things they always wanted to
So we’re going on a summer holiday,
To make our dreams come true
For me and you.

As you’d probably expect that Ben and I would meet up lots over the holidays. Well you would be wrong. It seems that the holidays had other ideas. I was busy for the first three weeks of the supposed six-week break.

Saying that Ben and I did meet up in the second week of the summer holidays. We had a movie marathon at the cinema. As I said before, with cinema passes you can go as many times as you want. The films we saw were Dunkirk, a great movie. Not sure about Harry Styles but who am I to say. Ben made me laugh as he wasn’t sure whom Harry Styles was. Yes, I know. Who doesn’t know whom Harry Styles is? He was one fifth of the biggest boy bands in pop. I wasn’t a fan but he’s everywhere and the question is how could you miss him? Anyway, once I pointed out who he was in the film; Ben was fine. During the film I kept on saying ‘There’s your mate Harry.” Which made Ben chuckle. It was the least I could do.

The second movie was ‘Girls Trip’. All I can say is that – what a brilliant feel good movie. In the screen, Ben made the comment of “I’m the only guy in here.” Which at that particular point he was. However, that wasn’t the case as time went on there were a few other couples that joined us; as well as groups of girls / women. I did point this out to Ben that we weren’t the only couple and he wasn’t the only guy. I have to add that Ben did not dispute my choice of words. Don’t get me wrong; I didn’t mean anything by it. I just said the first thing that came into my head. Sometimes this isn’t a good thing. Instead of saying anything, Ben smiled.

I cannot figure him out!

As usual, I didn’t analyse what his smile meant or think anything of it. Yes, I am a girl and I have feelings but why go to a place where questions can’t be answered? Or be accused of reading too much into things. Why put myself up for that subjection? Why indeed?

Going back to the movie. It was hilarious and most definitely a must see. If you’re a couple – take your other half, if not go with a group of friends. Ben enjoyed it as much as I did. So he had no reason to complain. By the time the movie finished it was nearing midnight. This was nothing new. If Ben and I were at the cinema catching a movie in the evening it would be very rare if I got home before midnight. 1am was closer. To be honest, I didn’t mind. Ben sometimes did mind, as like most people, he needed his sleep; otherwise he could be quite irritable.

Driving back to Ben’s place, we stayed in the car talking. Talking. Yes you read the word correctly. To be honest, we do a lot of talking. Sometimes about general things – work, friends etc and sometimes Ben delves a little deeper. I’m an open book and he’s the opposite and he really doesn’t let people see the real him. Even to this day I don’t think other than his family have seen the real him. He is an enigma. However, he is beginning to show me parts of him that no one else sees or has seen. Boy, do I feel privileged and honoured.

So the question is what am I to him?

It was getting quite late and so I brought the conversation to an end, as I had to drive back. Plus I was away for the weekend and Ben knew that. He told me to have a good time at my brothers wedding. Did I ever consider bringing Ben as my plus one? At one time, yes I did. Did I follow through with the thought? The answer to that is no I did not. Why? The simple reason is that Ben and I are simply just friends. Nothing more and nothing less. However, there are blurred lines. (Yes there is a song with the same name.) But that’s a story for another time.

The tables turn

Taken from Blake Shelton song – What’s on my mind

I can’t have this conversation
Without lots of reservations on the line
If there’s a way to slip around it
Then I’m bound to get around it one more time
Honey you are so persuasive
But it makes me more evasive when you pry
You can label me elusive
But the facts are inconclusive at this time

‘Cause you can’t handle what’s on my mind
I’ve got roses growing over what you’d find
But keep on asking if you’re inclined
‘Cause you can’t handle what’s on my mind

I came across this song and if I’m truthfully honest – it describes Ben. As I’ve written before I have no idea what goes on in his head. Even after four years of knowing him. My friends that have known me for that amount of time or longer can usually guess what’s going on in my head, as well as knowing how I would react to things. In some ways Ben doesn’t really know me at all.

Am I hard to get to know? Am I hard to read? The answer is no. I’m an open book. I can’t lie. (I’ve tried and failed) Occasionally I tell the little white lie but then doesn’t everyone. But if you know me and can read my facial expressions then I’m in serious trouble.

As much as the month of May was full of movies. June was when our dynamics changed, the tables turned…are one of many phrases you could use. We went to a few movies along the way. Don’t get the wrong idea – when he asks, I don’t always say yes. I have said no and it is Ben who tires to rearrange. That is unless I initiate the meeting and to be honest it is usually Ben. If I don’t text him for a while, he will make contact first. I think the longest we lasted without texting or talking to each other was a week. And even after this entry it stays at a week.

It was a busy time at work with the SATs completed and sport events amongst other events that propped up along the way. It started at work, when I was chatting to my friend Amy about things and Ben somehow ended up in the conversation. I think I was asking for advice or regaling a story of a Ben outing. And Amy suggested that I ask him what was going on. I didn’t think anything of it.

That wasn’t until lunch time when I replayed the conversation that I had with Amy in my head. (Yes, I do that) Whether it was a genius idea or not, I’ll let you make that decision.

I decided to text Ben saying that we needed to talk. It wasn’t a break up conversation as we weren’t in that type of relationship. But I needed clarification as to what on earth we were doing. Or not doing. Friends without the benefits. Ben’s response was talk about what? I think it then dawned on him what I was referring to and text – just ask.

I was infuriated, as this was one conversation that I wanted to have face to face and not through text or a phone call. So I text back, I’ll ask when I see you. We met up a few times for dinner or to give him music for his new iPod and even the movies. That was up until I sent the text saying we needed to talk.

The summer term in schools is probably the worst term out of them all. As previously mentioned, things crop up all over the place. So, in between catching up with Ben and working, I didn’t have time for anything else. We had a few events planned such as a risk assessment for a trip I was going to with my class and Ben had agreed to go with me. That was fine right up until the day before we were meant to go.

That night Ben text to say he wasn’t feeling well. I responded by saying not to worry about tomorrow. His reply was instant – I’ll see how I feel in the morning. To be honest I wasn’t 100% sure he would even want to go. The friendship was already changing. I know you can’t help being ill but fate or destiny had other ideas. The trip was not meant to happen.

Every time we text or spoke on the phone, Ben would always come back with what did you want to ask. And every time I deflected. Not because I wanted to but as I said before we needed to chat face to face. At one point he text stating that he knew what I wanted to talk about. So I challenged him but he never responded to that.

Eventually he stopped asking me …. that was for the moment.

 

Saturday night at the movies…

Oh no, I hear you cry. Yes, the lyrics for the song go something like this.

Well, Saturday night at eight o’clock
I know where I’m gonna go
I’m gonna pick my baby up
And take her to the picture show
Ev’rybody in the neighborhood
Is dressin’ up to be there too
And we’re gonna have a ball
Just like we always do
Saturday night at the movies
Who cares what picture you see
When you’re huggin’ with your baby
In the last row in the balcony?
Well, there’s technicolor and cinemascope
A cast out a Hollywood
And the popcorn from the candy stand
Makes it all seem twice as good
There’s alway lots of pretty girls
With figures they don’t try to hide
But they never can compare
To the girl sittin’ by my side

 

What can I say with a cinema pass, you can see as many films as you want as well as, as many times as you want and not forgetting when you want. To be honest, Ben and I went to the cinema during the week (yes after work) as well as the weekend.

Does this sound as if we are dating? The answer would be yes for most people, but rest assured we aren’t. Even though most of the staff think we are a couple including one of Ben’s friend who is the manager at the cinema we go to. Does Ben correct them? No would be the answer. Do I say something or let people assume? The answer to that is that I let people assume whatever they want. For me personally, I don’t know what to think, or feel any more. The more our friendship develops the more the lines become crossed and muddled. There are more mixed signals than before. Do I ruin the friendship that we’ve built over the last three or four years? A later entry will provide an answer. Or rather some sort of answer. However, not the final answer – well not yet I hope.

The month of April seemed to have quite a few movie releases. These included: Get Out, Boss Baby, Going in Style, Fast 8 and Unforgettable. All of which I saw with Ben with the exception of Boss Baby. I’ve seen animation, action, horror and comedy movies with Ben. But never cringed or wanted to get out as much as I did with Unforgettable. I loved the movie – a psychological thriller. In fact it was one of the best ones I’d seen in a long time. But the fact the opening is a making out scene (not that I care) and Ben and I were sitting in the back row. Talk about uncomfortable; well for me, it was more hot under the collar than anything else. I daren’t look at Ben. During those scenes my face was glued to the screen. Whether Ben noticed or not, I don’t know.

The film also discussed topics such as families and relationships. How is it that women can see what other women’s jealousy, emotions amongst other things; but men can’t? They seem to be clueless about the whole thing. Then when they are questioned they don’t have a clue what on earth you are talking about. Really, and they say women come from a different planet.

For the movie night of Unforgettable, it did happen to be a Saturday and we had parked out-of-town so there was a little bit of a walk back. I’ll set the scene and you can see where it is going. The moon was out (not quite a full one), it was calm, warm spring evening and Ben and I were walking back along the canal. The moon lit up the sky and let’s just say it was on the side of romance. The stars were out. Ben and I were walking back casually, side by side over the bridge and then onto the side streets where the street lighting took over.

We spoke about this and that and eventually got back onto the topic of the movie we had seen. I posed the question “Why didn’t the boyfriend see what was going on? Since it was right there in front of him?” Ben looked at me confused, his usual look when I ask him something out of his comfort zone. My thoughts were going round in my head and so the next thing I said was, “Are all men like that when it comes to relationships with women?” I should have stopped when I had the chance but my thoughts continued to come out. “How can men not see what’s in front of them?” (That was aimed at Ben)

I can’t actually remember what I said next or even if it was relevant. Ben mumbled something, what, I don’t know. Did I ask him to repeat it, probably not as I was now more confused than ever. I was never ever going to get a straight answer from him. Ever! The boy is a closed book when it comes to his emotions and feelings. I, on the other hand am the opposite. A very open book.

Until the next time…