For this entry I am taking lyrics from the song –  ‘Complicated’ by Avril Lavigne

I like you the way you are

When we’re drivin in your car (well my car)

And you’re talking to me one on one

But you’ve become

Somebody else ‘round everyone else

You’re watching your back like you can’t relax

You’re tryin’ to be cool

You look like a fool to me

Tell me

Why do you have to go and make things complicated?

I see the way you’re

Acting like you’re somebody else gets me frustrated

And life’s like this you,

You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get and you turn it into

Honesty, you promised me I’m never gonna find you fake it.


I can’t remember who initiated the outing. (There may have been a few) I think it might have been Ben who had text at lunch time asking if I was free. Funnily enough, I was. The plans I originally had fallen through and so I replied, letting him know that I was free and asked what did he want to see? I found out which films were on and sent him the list. Ben could make the decision on the film. His reply before the end of my lunch hour was Daddy’s Home 2. As I said before, I had no particular desire to watch any film. Ben and I had pretty much seen every film that was on at the cinema.

I drove to Ben’s and text him to say that I was outside. Not long after I sent the text, did he come outside still in his work shorts and hoodie. I must have looked baffled and as he got into my car, he went onto explain. Apparently his shower at home wasn’t working and that he needed to go to the gym before we went out. I raised an eyebrow but said nothing. It really wasn’t worth waiting for a further explanation. That was as much as I was going to get out of him. (Ben’s book is closed) Ben checked his bag, that he had the relevant toiletries as well as his clothes. We – what I mean is I drove us to the shops where we parked my car and then walked the rest of the way to the gym. It was easier to drive, park and walk than drive all the way there.

On the way to the gym, Ben and I were chatting about our day. The usual banter between friends. Along the way we bumped into a few children that Ben taught, that were with their parents. The usual greeting of hi – and the look and thought of – aww – you two make a cute couple. (Don’t get me started!!) Ben was oblivious to it all. He clearly doesn’t get especially when it is right there in front of him. I don’t think anyone or anything could make it more clearer. Or maybe he just didn’t understand. Maybe he never will. Who knows? I don’t think even Ben knows.

Upon entering the gym we literally bumped into Ben’s brother – Arthur and sister-in-law, Lucy. Ben made the introductions. To be honest it was about time, I had met his brother. I seem to have met everyone else. Well, let me tell you. Other than Ben and Arthur looking similar; (yes, you could tell they were brothers) Arthur was definitely the better looking brother. He was dark, mysterious and taller of the two siblings. Dark hair, dark eyes, smouldering looks and more toned. I’m pretty sure Arthur’s eyes are brown compared to Ben’s green. (So he tells me.)

Liking Ben should never have been on the cards.

We were in company of Arthur and Lucy for no more than a mere ten minutes, before Ben realised he needed to go and have a shower. Soon after the three of them headed to the showers, whilst I remained in the coffee shop area. Ben literally took no more then ten minutes. Even I have to say that was a record. He seemed quite proud when he came out. Heading back to the car, we bumped into few other people Ben knew. No surprise there.

Once at the cinema, Ben asked the attendant what was good to watch. They recommended Paddington 2 and Ben decided he wanted to watch it again. Before you say it or think it – I had no interest in what was on at the cinema as I had seen what I had wanted to see. So seeing Paddington 2 again was not an issue. Ben choose the seats – the back row of the cinema. No – nothing happened.

At some point during the film Ben fell asleep. I would have taken a photo had it not been so dark and knowing my luck the flash would have gone off anyway. He must have been asleep for about half-an-hour before he woke himself up. Once the film finished we headed back home. Well, I dropped Ben to his home and I headed to mine.



How could I not use the lyrics from – yes you’ve guessed it – 5-6-7-8.

It’s time to begin – now count it in…

My boot scootin’ baby is drivin’ me crazy
My obsession from a western – my dance floor date
My rodeo romeo, a cowboy God from head to toe
Wanna make you mine better get in line

I have to say, I’m not really a Steps fan. I know their songs, but then who doesn’t? How I ended up their concert is in fact all Ben’s doing. Their up and coming tour (2017) was advertised and Ben mentioned that he fancied going. So what did I do? Look up tickets. Maybe it was a mistake. Is a concert – intimate? I guess it is but then again it depends on whose concert it is.

Moving on, I managed to get tickets and Ben seemed very excited. It was his first gig. Not that he would admit that to anyone except to me. As I’ve written before he – as in Ben is very much a closed book. Every time I think I’ve worked him out (not exactly – but you’ll understand the point I’m trying to make) he throws a spanner in the works. For those that know me and are reading will know exactly what I’m talking about.

Having been to a number gigs, concerts, festivals – I had a feeling that Steps wouldn’t let me down. I said I would drive us down to Wembley, which I did and totally forgot that Spurs were playing a home game. (Spurs are playing their home games at Wembley for the forthcoming season due to renovations at their home ground).

So it took us a lot longer for us to park and get to the venue. Dinner plans went out the window. McDonalds it was. As usual, as I don’t eat much I had a happy meal and the person who served me was surprised; he asked me repeat my order and when it hadn’t changed, he took my order. Ben who was next me placing his order couldn’t help but laugh. I happen to receive my food first and went to find seats so that we could at least eat in peace.

With the food eaten we made our way to the venue. And I have to say that I don’t ever remember the queues being as long as they were – a never-ending snake. Ben couldn’t believe it either. It was turning into a rather cold winters night (it was the end of November). We made friends in the queue, which wasn’t unusual.

Eventually we made our way in after the heightened security checks. Ben had my car keys in his pocket, which set of the alarm, as did my belt so we had to be body searched. But at least they were being thorough. After this adventure we made our way to our seats, which were pretty, much near the back of the venue but it was good enough. Being a man and woman people automatically thought we were together and Ben never denied the fact that we weren’t. That was something new. Before he had always said no we’re just friends. What was he thinking?

The gig started with a guy who sounded like Olly Murs followed by the Vengaboys and then the main act Steps. I have to say – I give them credit as they put on a good show. The stage set was amazing, as were the costumes and they weren’t too bad at singing either. Steps put on a very good show. I knew a lot of the songs, as did Ben who originally was in the seat in front. (Even though we were next to each other) At some point we swapped places and I even remember leaning into him during one of the slow songs. I can’t remember which one. But he didn’t push me away.

Is this normal for a guy and girl who are just friends?

There were a group of friends behind us who were pretty drunk (and younger than us) and were dancing away on the steps. (The irony) One of them even came up to me and took my hand to start dancing – Ben just laughed. The guy said to Ben “Tell your girlfriend to dance with me.” And Ben did what he is so good at laughed and said “Go on.” He did not once correct the guy that had asked me to dance.

If that is not a mixed signal– what is?

As usual I did laugh and continued to dance in my spot next to Ben. He was humming or singing the words to the song in my ear. (That was the usual for him.) The crowd at the concert was a mixed bunch; there were young children, teenagers, young adults and even some grand parents. It was the grand parents that were having a great time. It just shows how universal the concert was. And I have to say I loved every minute of it. A great show is a great show.

Once the show finished, we headed back to the car and I did link arms with Ben as it was absolutely freezing. He didn’t brush me off either. I have to tell you that Ben radiates heat – he’s always warm. I only let go when we came to a large crowd that was coming our way. I don’t do that with any of my other male friends or female friends for that matter.

Only him. Only Ben.

And yes I drove him home. We did talk animatedly on the way discussing the show and what we were going to do next or rather what was our next adventure. I then drove myself home.

A fantastic evening overall – until the next adventure.

Cinema Trip … Paddington 2

It was a Sunday – not a conventional day for us to go out. It was more the fact that it was unusual. And as usual, I drove to his and we went to the cinema from there. As much as I have tried to convince Ben to go and see Justice League; however, he was not having it. In fact he wanted to go and watch Paddington 2. But then so did I. So the decision was made. Paddington 2 it was.

I am not sure what you would call these outings anymore. Are they dates? Old colleagues who have bumped into us; children who Ben still teaches all think we’re a couple and together as they see us out and about together. What would one think?

For the film we sat at on the back row. Yes. I know what you’re thinking. No. It did not happen. Whatever – happens on the back row,  in a cinema. As usual, I paid no attention to Ben’s actions as I never know what he wants. I wish he would just say what he wants or doesn’t want. I might to remind him that I’m not mind reader.

My friends are now at the point of wanting to punch him. That’s because they find it quite infuriating and annoying of how he has supposedly treated me. I guess sitting on the outside looking in always is easier than being in the predicament or situation. As I’ve said before I still chat to other guys and go out on dates. Until Ben says we are something more – why should I give up either option? Am I being heartless? Am I wanting my cake and wanting to eat it, too?

If Ben and I are just platonic friends – why should it matter? Yeah sure I want more but doesn’t every girl? He knows me and has seen sides of me that most people don’t get to. May be I should ease out of our friendship? But why should I lose what we have? A friendship that has been built over the last four years.

I’ve clearly digressed from what the title of this blog entry was about. Never mind – until next time.

Birthday Drinks … Meeting the Siblings ….???

Well I’m not sure if the song fits but it’s the one that has the most meaning and no doubt will make the readers reading this think. It was going to be Love Shouldn’t Be This Hard by Olly Murs but I have changed it to Pretending from Glee.

Face to face and heart to heart
We’re so close yet so far apart
I close my eyes I look away
That’s just because I’m not okay
But I hold on, I stay strong
Wondering if we still belong

Will we ever say the words we’re feeling
Reach down underneath and tear down all the walls
Will we ever have our happy ending?
Or will we forever only be pretending?
Will we always, always, always be pretending

How long do I fantasize
Make believe that it’s still alive
Imagine that I am good enough
And we can choose the ones we love
But I hold on, I stay strong
Wondering if we still belong,

Will we ever say the words we’re feeling
Reach down underneath and tear down all the walls
Will we ever have our happy ending?
Or will we forever only be pretending?
Will we always, always, always be

Keeping secrets safe
Every move we make
Seems like no ones letting go
And it’s such a shame
Cause if you feel the same
How am I supposed to know?

Will we ever say the words we’re feeling
Reach down underneath and tear down all the walls
Will we ever have our happy ending?
Or will we forever only be pretending?
Will we always, always, always be pretending?
Will we always, always, always be pretending?
Will we always, always, always be pretending?

I guess the sentiments are true – will we always be pretending. At the moment I think we are. But only time will tell.

No, he hasn’t declared his undying love for me. Not sure he ever will. But at least I can somewhat hope. Before anyone jumps to any conclusions; I am not waiting for him, I am seeing other guys. (And no he doesn’t know about them – why does he need to?) If one became serious, then yes but until then – no.

Well, well, well…some might say that things are progressing further and in the right direction. In actual fact I have no idea where things are heading and I’m more confused than ever. More than I have ever been.

It all started when I was at the local watering hole with friends (on a Friday evening) and we were discussing plans for the next few weeks. I informed them that I had my brother’s birthday drinks coming up and was debating whether to go or not. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go but it was because I was on my own and everyone else had partners / other halves. Sophie suggested that I text Ben and ask if he wanted to come. For the first time ever I was the one that was hesitant.

With a little more cajoling from Sophie (who is very good at that) I eventually text him and asked if he was free the following Friday. Unexpectedly he replied straight away. So may be things are progressing?? Who on earth knows? He said yes he wanted to go. I think I was stunned. Well, I know I was. I double-checked to make sure that he wasn’t going to let me down. Call me a pessimist but one can never be too sure.

Once confirmed I text my brother that I was bringing a friend (well Ben is just a friend unless he wants or says he wants something more) and if that was ok. My brother text back saying that was fine. Not that he was going to say no.

This was a huge step.

That was how it all came about.

Friday night my two sisters were meting up and going with their partners. I, on the other hand was meeting Ben and we were heading down together. Yes, I drove over to Ben’s and we got the tube into London. I was wearing a dress I had got from a well-known shop called Jack Wills.

Once at Ben’s, he commented on my dress. I can’t remember his exact words but they were along the lines of “You look really nice in that dress.” I was shocked. What a revelation! Mind you he didn’t scrub up too badly either. We eventually made to where my brother was having his get together and I made the introductions. To say it was a surreal feeling would be an understatement.

Ben and I joined a conversation that my sister and sister-in-law were having – about houses and moving. At some point we moved around talking to various other people who had come along. My cousin who had recently gotten married in Poland was there and we chatted to him. Ben was talking to my cousin about his family who are from Poland and not too far from where my cousin had married. We spoke to quite a few people and before we knew it was getting late. It was Friday night but we had to get back.

But before we went, my sister invited Ben to her birthday dinner. Ben, being Ben said he wasn’t sure what he was doing and would have to check his diary (not the one on the phone). My sister for that moment let it go and didn’t press. Thankfully. To be honest, it’s not as if Ben and I were together. Everyone seemed to be under that impression. How could I tell them we weren’t when it would have made it awkward? It just wasn’t fair!

This was just the start …

The Addams Family

They’re creepy and they’re kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They’re altogether ooky,
The Addams Family.

Their house is a museum
When people come to see ’em
They really are a scream
The Addams Family.

So get a witch’s shawl on
A broomstick you can crawl on
We’re gonna pay a call on
The Addams Family.

It was half way through the half term and the previous week Ben and I had made plans to catch up over a musical rather than a movie. (I won that decision – what we watched) However, I had wanted to go to London to see a musical but Ben won that decision – he wanted to go local. (Well Milton Keynes as opposed to London) I agreed as I had no other choice. It’s all about the compromise.

Before I had even asked, Ben suggested that I go to his and we go from there. I wasn’t going to say no. Plus as I’ve said before, I quite enjoy driving. We met as usual and he said he had a few bits and pieces to do in the shopping centre before we our matinée show of The Addams Family.

Whilst we were in the Apple store, Ben was using my phone to show the technicians what he wanted sorted on his phone which he had left at home. At the same time some guys I had been talking also decided to text me. Ben’s actions showed me he was a little jealous. I told him I would text them back later. If I was truthfully honest – I was interested in them as much as they were in me. I give everything a fair go but when guys want to chat more than wanting to meet up; you know to let them go. So in some ways you can say I wasn’t interested but I wasn’t going to tell Ben that.

There are somethings that you just don’t tell them.

Ben made me walk the length and breadth of the shopping centre – walking here, there and then back again and not forgetting walking to the theatre. I’m not complaining but I’m only small (5ft 1′) and have a smaller leg length than he does.

Did he walk at my pace?


Did he wait for me?

At some points.

Did he apologise – without me having to prompt him?

Yes, he did.

In fact I have no idea where that came from but he did. The gentleman in him. The people we spoke to, the people we met all thought we were a cute couple – some even said it. Ben didn’t refute the situation and well I … didn’t say a word. It wasn’t my place and to be honest let people believe what they want. Ben knew the situation in his head. I on the other hand didn’t have a clue. What ever it was – I was happy. I got time to spend with Ben; I didn’t always say yes. But when we were together (are together) it’s just me and him. It feels right. It feels comfortable.

Once at the theatre we found our seats and sat down. Ben explained that he once played a part in the musical. Before you ask he did tell me the role he played but for the life of me, I can’t remember which part. When I remember, I will let you know. As usual he knew the songs (what’s new) so was humming and singing away during the show.

I did manage to sneak a few glances his way during the first half of the performance. He was engaged and seemed to be enjoying himself. Nothing new. I like watching him (and no it’s not creepy) as I like to try and figure out what goes on in his mind. I know he watches me too – call it a sixth sense but I feel his presence and his eyes on me. Even though, I am blasé about the whole thing, I know he tries to figure out what goes on in my head. I’m pretty much an open book as my thoughts and feelings are usually shown on my face. So I’m an easy read.

Before the interval, he did catch me staring and mouthed ‘Are you ok?’. I nodded and smiled. Ben smiled back before returning his attention to the musical. Weird. But who am I to judge?

The interval arrived and Ben asked if I wanted anything to eat or drink. I shook my head. Off he went and I was left on my lonesome. The whole day was becoming more and more surreal. This was only because I didn’t have a clue as to what was going on. And I don’t think Ben did either.

The 2nd half came and we both focused on the musical rather than each other. I was glad for the distraction as I had no idea how or what to do with my feelings or what I was experiencing when I was with Ben. I really did wish I knew what on earth was going on. At some point I know he was watching me as I felt his gaze . I asked if he was ok and if he was enjoying the show. He nodded in response. Somehow during the 2nd half, whether it was me or him; we ended up leaning against each other.

As I said before – it felt right. It felt comfortable. Neither of us moved away.

Our day out threw me, more than it should have. It confused the living daylights out of me and I have no idea why. After the show had finished we went for dinner at our usual (or rather Ben’s usual / favourite place – Nando’s).




September to October

Apologies for not having written sooner. I have been a little busy with work and to be honest the last thing I want to do is spend more time on the computer. I’m almost up to date – have about 3 more interesting entries to blog / write about. It’s catching up with me. But will I or won’t I have a decision?

Whether the following songs lyrics are appropriate or not, I’ll use them anyway.  Saving all my love for you by Whitney Houston

A few stolen moments is all that we share,

You’ve got your family and they need you there

Though I’ve tried to resist being last on your list,

But no other man’s gonna do

So I’m saving all my love for you.

(I know what you’re thinking – the song is about adultery. But I tell you what it’s ironic is that it fits our relationship – well Ben’s and mine.)

Anyway, moving on from the song lyrics. Not a lot happened in between the months of September and October. Ben and I text over a variety of things – cinema (we did go to the cinema) and it was also when my cousin was getting married in Poland.

I distinctly remember telling Ben that I was going to Wroclaw (well the wedding was in a place an hour from there) for a weekend in September. The weather was great for the wedding and where we were (my siblings and I) in the mountains. The views were breath-taking. Ben and I were texting over the weekend the I was over. That was weird in itself. I sent photos of where I was staying and he replied. His family is from Poland and he was excited when I told him I was going over.

Other than that I didn’t see him much. We communicated via text but that’s how it goes sometimes.





Summer nights

Very clichéd, but the summer has to end sometime? So what better song to end the summer with Summer Nights from the one and only musical Grease. However, the song doesn’t relate to how the last few days of the summer played out. (And not in a bad way either. The friendship remains.)

Summer Nights

Summer lovin’ had me a blast

Summer lovin’ happened so fast

I met a girl crazy for me

Met a boy cute as can be

Summer days driftin’ away

To ah, oh. those summer nights

The last bank holiday of the summer (which was a rather warm and pleasant day) and it was our usual get together with Abi and Lara. Unfortunately, Lara was away so it was just the three of us; well five if you counted Abi’s two adorable children. They were three and one. We were meeting at ten am at Abi’s house, which wasn’t far from Ben’s. I had offered to pick him up but he had said that he’d meet me there. That was fine by me. It’s not as if Ben and were joined at the hip.

I arrived on time but I had a feeling Ben would be late. Considering that was his style – I have to say not on purpose. He’s just that kind of person. I would say he’d be late for his own wedding. Abi briefly asked about Ben before he arrived; however, it wasn’t enough to fill her in on anything. I am sure Abi has her suspicions about Ben and I. But she’s not yet asked me anything and I don’t know how much she has questioned Ben. I would like to point out that or rather say – Good Luck to those who try to investigate. I’m the other person in the equation and I still can’t figure him out. His words, actions and body language don’t make sense. In fact they contradict each other.

Moving on, I was playing with Abi’s daughter when Ben arrived. Her son who was the younger of the two was excited to see him. The adults – Ben, Abi and I were chatting like we still worked together. Ben and Abi did. And I filled them in, on what was going on with me.

At some point we ended back in the lounge. We were still chatting when Abi brought up the topic of it being the last week of the summer holidays and asked if we were up to anything exciting. This was where I mentioned that I was going to the closing show of ‘Half a Sixpence’. Ben’s ear pricked up on hearing this. To be honest I hadn’t had the chance to tell him that I was going. He asked me who I was going with – my mum and cousin. If I had known that he had wanted to go, I would have gotten him a ticket.

The conversation went on and somehow Abi asked Ben, “Didn’t you take a girl out on a date to a musical?” Ben went still before looking in my direction. He replied, with “Yeah. That was once.” Give Abi her credit; she didn’t give up. I made sure my face stayed neutral (well, I hope it did) as my emotions always show. Abi asked further questions about Ben’s dates to the theatre. At this point I kept quiet as I didn’t want to give our so-called ‘rendezvous’ away. Abi continued to ask Ben questions, to which he gave non-committal answers to.

Once his inquisition was over; Abi turned to me. I just said I’m not seeing anyone and once again Ben’s ear pricked up. Thankfully Abi let it drop. I was sure Abi was trying her best to figure out what on earth was going on. Just like our other mutual friends who try to figure our relationship out as well as our friends on either side. I guess – I’m still in dark about that too.

People have said :

‘You’re friends without the benefits.’

‘You’re the cake, however, he has the cake and he is eating it.’

Yes. I do agree. But we still have a friendship and don’t forget we had that, long before anything else.